How to Cruise Through Life & Love
Hint: Stop Accelerating & Braking at the Same Time
Do you drive with one foot on the accelerator and one foot on the brake?
I imagine the answer is ‘No’ because if you did, you wouldn’t get anywhere.
Yet that’s how many of us run our lives, our careers, or our businesses, and that’s how many of us approach dating and romantic relationships.
Let me explain, using myself as a case study.
My business (which involves coaching, speaking and writing) requires me to take action.
It requires me to be visible; to be seen; to tell people about my services, via social media, the press, Medium and so forth.
Yet when it comes to doing this, I’m operating with a handicap. I’m in perpetual conflict with myself.
You see, part of me wants to be visible, wants to be seen.
But another part of me is scared of being visible and terrified of being seen.
Why?
Because my younger self — or my subconscious — remembers a time when it didn’t feel safe to be visible, when it felt safer to stay quiet and hidden, to keep my head well below the parapet, when my success wasn’t welcome.
It’s like there’s a constant dialogue going on inside my head: ‘Go for it, Katherine! Move forwards. Shine!’
Swiftly followed by: ‘Stop, Katherine. It’s not safe. Don’t shine. Let’s hide.’
Pull-push, push-pull. See me. Don’t see me. See me. Don’t see me.
One foot on the accelerator. One foot on the brake. Not going very far.
Celebrating progress
Fortunately, I’ve been on my personal development journey for two decades and I have lots of self-awareness, plenty of healing under my belt and some wonderful support so I have managed to press the accelerator a little harder than the brake over the past years.
I have managed to write and publish my first book and build a coaching practice that has supported and continues to support people to love themselves, find a healthy relationship and create a fulfilling career and life. I have spoken to organisations on mental health, wellbeing, addictions, burnout and stress. I have hosted some 10 wellbeing retreats. And I have written 70,000+ words of my novel and 20,000+ words of a book on emotional overeating.
So yes, I have moved forwards.
But I can also see, all too clearly, how I’ve held myself back, how I’ve pressed the brake and sabotaged myself.
I am acutely aware of the opportunities I’ve missed, the articles I haven’t written, the books I haven’t finished, the retreats I haven’t hosted, the social media posts I haven’t posted, the money I haven’t earned, the abundance and freedom I haven’t enjoyed, as well as the lives I haven’t touched, the people I haven’t reached.
I have seen how I have pulled and then pushed with my business; how I have struggled with consistency and follow-through.
One foot on the accelerator; one on the brake.
Learning to cruise
Now, to be clear, I don’t want the accelerator pressed into the floor either. I know what that full-on approach does to my brain and body. For decades, I used excess food and alcohol to give me the courage to release the brake. Fuelled by binge eating and binge drinking, I raced around the world at top speed, took crazy risks, climbed the career ladder, worked too hard and gave too much, eventually burning out and breaking down in my 30s.
I don’t want to do that again.
Nor do I want my desire for visibility to be driven by my early life wounds — by a deep craving for love, acceptance and belonging that dates back to my childhood, to a time when my developmental needs went unmet.
It’s about balance.
In motoring terms, it’s about cruising.
Cruising along with effortless ease.
It’s about a healthy desire for visibility born out of a genuine wish to be of service to my fellow humans, by finding ways to share with others the knowledge that has helped me to change dysfunctional relationship patterns, find a healthy partnership and break the chains of addiction and self-harm so that I can achieve my potential and stay well.
Service-driven, not ego-driven.
If I can think about being of service, I can get out of my own way, face my fears, humbly request and receive all the support I need, take my foot off the brake, gently press the accelerator and cruise forwards.
When our love life stalls
The accelerator-brake analogy works for dating and relationships too.
The push-pull dymanic was a key feature of my dysfunctional dating years and it’s one of the most common dynamics that presents in my relationship coaching practice.
You know how it goes: I want you. I don’t want you.
I want love. I’m scared of love.
Come closer. Go away.
You’re gorgeous. Urgh, you’re repulsive.
It is this dynamic that I had to understand and overcome in order to commit to a healthy relationship and get married, aged 48.
And if you are looking for love but keep driving into brick walls, you may have to do the same.
Ask yourself if you’re accelerating too fast and diving into unhealthy relationships because you’re craving love, affection, validation, acceptance, touch etc. And if the answer is ‘Yes’, take some time to heal your inner wounds and meet your own unmet needs.
Ask yourself if you’re braking too hard because you’re scared to love, scared to commit, scared of getting hurt, terrified of loving in case you lose the person or get rejected or abandoned.
Commit to your own healing, get all the support you need and then find that happy medium, find the cruise control.
Love is service too, an act of service, to ourselves, to others and to the world.
By finding the courage to love, we give ourselves an incredible opportunity to heal. And we offer others the opportunity to heal too.
Our hurt happens in relationship (often in those significant, early life relationships that form a template for the rest of our lives). And our healing happens in relationship.
It requires courage to open our hearts to love and to fully embrace life.
It requires courage to shine, to flourish and thrive, not just survive.
But no matter the challenges, it’s absolutely worth the effort.
You know it is.
Download the first chapter of my book, How to Fall in Love, for free via my website: www.katherinebaldwin.com
